frustrated

I dont like to be frustrated... especially at my bf... and even more so when it comes to dd ... but I am and I can't help it... I try not to be because I realize dd is still so new to our relationship... but I just want the new part to get over and the consistency to begin ... I realize he is tired after work and what not but that doesnt mean the dd side to our relationship can be ignored ... dd is not the third wheel... dd is not just hit or miss... not for me Anyways ... it has become a part of me ... I just need to feel it is important to him as well not just some game... this is a lifestyle we chose to try that doesn't have an on off switch ... the times he has followed through with dd he has done amazing and i love him so much for doing  so... anyhow im getting sleepy ... night all

$9, popcorn, slurpee and a pizza...

Soooo a girlfriend and I went out to the Saturday market in our town today which was completely alright but what i said I was going to buy and actually bought is where the problem comes in... I told the bf that I was going to the Saturday market to get some vegetables but while I was there I didn't see any veggies that I really wanted so I ended up not getting any. Instead by friend and I shared a bag of popcorn $3.00... well not the whole bag maybe a cup or so of it I would say...

After that we were very thirsty so we went to the 7-11 and got some slurpees, mine was $1.39.

Then we headed over to the goodwill outlet store to JUST LOOK AROUND. I was just wanting to show it to my friend but while we were there she ended up finding some really good deals on some amazing clothes, abocrombie, hollister, and american eagle... My looking around ended up getting me 3 nice sweaters,  a pea coat looking thing, and 2 long sleeve shirts for only $9.32!!!!! WHAT A DEAL right?

Then on the way home we stopped and picked up a little ceasers pizza and split the cost so $2.50 each.

So all in all I spent $3.00+$1.39+$9.32+2.50=$16.21... but he had given me $14 to go to the market so I just used that money in other places... and all of those clothes bought new would have cost me about $200!

I called him when I got home after my friend left and asked him if I could buy some stuff at goodwill but he couldn't really talk much because he was working and the dog was running into the road. I didn't really get an answer out of him other than him asking me to come pick up our dog.

When I got to where he was working I asked him "what if I already bought the stuff at goodwill."

He said "You would be in trouble for wasting money and not asking...."

 Now after writing all of this I am starting to feel a bit guilty...  I can see his point now.. he gave me money for veggies and I spent it on clothes.. I should have just asked... He would have probably said ok... but now instead I am just in trouble...

"you're full of crap"

TRUST ME dont ever say that to your HOH!!!! lol... I was talking to my friend Kay from http://tryingtolearnlearningtotry.blogspot.com/ and she told me one way to get your HOH attention in the way you dont want to is to tell him he is full of crap... Let me tell you it works lol...

I was sitting at my computer and he was sitting next to me at his and I looked over at him to give it a whirl...I was only joking mind you... and as soon as it came out of my mouth he didnt even look at me and just said "go stand in the corner" 

"what!?!?! I was just joking"

"Dont care you have been pretty mouthy lately and I am tired of it. GO stand in the corner"

"Hun really?"

"You better go stand in the corner right now OR ELSE..."

So off I went... I was so embarrassed I went into the other room and stood out there... (that way I could huf and puff in secrecy)... I didn't want him to be able to see me standing there either, that would have made it 10x more embarrassing... I stood there with my arms folded for awhile just glaring out of the corner of my eye towards the doorway to the bedroom where our computers are... Then after awhile I started thinking to myself... well maybe I have been a bit mouthy... Finally by the time he told me I was done and could come back into the room I could feel myself being huffy puffy still and had to give myself a moment before he saw me... I had to put on my non frown face and my non bratty attitude... After about 2 or so minutes I was ready to face him. I went back in the room and went back to what I was doing on my computer before I was so rudely interrupted with this corner time nonsense (just kidding hoh <3 ya..... he reads all of my blogs so I figured I would throw that in there). and that was it, corner time over... not so bad I guess.

Lets hope I never get a 10

So I have realized that my hoh is very mathematical with how he keeps track of what I need disciplined for. I.e. spanked for... like today for example I was chating with him and he informed me that he hadn't forgotten my offenses that I still needed punished for and that I wouldn't be getting out of it.... he also let me know that I was at about a level 7 punishment ... level 7 wtf?!?!....level 7???? I then found out he rates the sevarity of the offense on a scale from 1-10,10 being the worst... small things can add up to big things... so I forget to push my chair in twice, I am extremely rude on the phone, and I leave my computer on once gets me to a level 7....

this isn't rating how hot someone is... this is rating how hot my bottom is gonna be....gulp.... I asked him what would happen if I got to a level 10 and he just said you dont want to know... eeks... so I guess lets hope until my discipline takes place I dont up that level 7 any higher....

Dear my oh so beloved hoh!

Hello there my love,

I know you read my blog seeing as I got in trouble for something I posted earlier. So I figure this will be a good way for me to tell you something I have been thinking about but haven't gotten a chance to talk to you about.

I wish you were more strict with me. If I leave my chair out after you have told me not to I want there to be a consequince. Wether you take away my chair for a day, or give me corner time, or ground me from my computer the next day or even a spanking, I just wish there was something.  It doesnt even have to be anything big just a little hey I saw what you did wrong so here is your punishment.

This is the only way I am going to remember and learn from my mistakes.  When things pile up and I am being spanked for 5 different things it is hard for me to relate that spanking to the offense.

I dont mind if you are creative with my punishment either, I have already  agreed to take any punishment you feel I have coming and if after your lecture and discipline I still disagree I will let you know.

Oh and dont feel bad if I got spanked the night prior. If I need another spanking then I need it... It is my fault for earning myself one,  not yours. Even if I need one later the same day then you have my permission to do so. If you are so dissapointed in my behavior that you feel I "deserve" multiple spankings in a row then I probably do!

Don't feel bad if you leave marks either because we are still learning and those will heal over and be fine. I bruise easy and you know that and my bruises take awhile to go away. Dont let that detour you from giving me a sound spanking when I need one. (On a side note I read if you did a light short spanking to warm up and then used a belt rather than the hairbrush it wont bruise? Read the Learningdd blog on beginner spankings and down in the comments someone had the same issue we did)

I also wanted to tell you how amazing you are to take on such a huge task. You have been so open to everything I have brought up to you and a part of my heart has grown a bit more closer to you. Ever since we decided to go down the path to DD I look at you so differently.  In my eyes you are this strong, loving, caring, amazing and considerate man that wants the best for us and our future.  I look up to you and want to do everything in my power to please you and make you happy because you being happy makes me happy!

Anyways I need to get some sleep

<3 u

Oh and ps you can respond here if you want you dont have to have an account you can just use the anonymous option or you could just wait til we get a chance to talk

answering my own questions

what will it feel like? well it hurt like heck lol... the sting was the worst

will I be able to stay in position? I was mostly able to until towards the end then it started getting really hard

will he be able to actually spank me hard enough or will i feel like i was let down in the end and still in need of more punishment? I didnt feel let down one bit with the spanking I recieved... I do feel the lecture prior to could use some work and having a timeout/corner time inbetween the lecture and the spanking would help me

how many swats will i receive? well it was supposed to be 20 on each cheek but I lost count after about 5
 
will he use just his hand or the spoon or brush as well? Or even a belt? it was all the brush this time, he started over my pants then went bare

will i be told to stand in the corner and if so for how long? no corner time this time but next time?

what is going to happen after the spanking is over? Will he hold me and remind me how much he loves me? Will we have amazing sex? after the spanking was over I layed on his lap for awhile  not wanting to move until finally he lifted me up to sit next to him but instead i burried my face in the blankets because I didnt want to let him see me cry from the pain my hiney was in... but he didnt allow that he made me sit up and look at him and we talked about what happened... I was in no mood for sex so none of that happened lol

how will i feel the next day? well today as I am writing this I feel fine my bottom is still red/bruised but I dont really feel it

will this first spanking be a constant reminder to follow our rules so I am not spanked again anytime soon? well I really hope this is a great reminder because it hurt like the devil...

Will I cry? Will I beg him to stop? I cried but only about 10 tears or so, I do sort of wish I had more of a release than that but I didnt. I did towards the end start telling him "ok, ok, ok, im sorry" he did a handful of swats after that and stopped. I did cry after it was all over though but not a whole bunch

After it is all done and over with will i feel i have still made the correct decision to begin this type of lifestyle? well immediately afterwards when my bottom was still in pain no I didnt feel like I made the right decision but about 10 minutes afterwards when I looked at him and realized what an amazing man he was for helping me fix my not so great behaviors I love him so much more and wouldn't go back

Will his spanking be much harder than I expected? Will he know when enough is enough? OMG it hurt like hell.... He did know when enough was enough I thought it was enough about 8 swats in lol but he knew better and I am glad he did. My bottom started to bruise so he had to sort of move around on my bottom but even then it still bruised and he said that was why he stopped.

What will the lecture before hand be like? the lecture wasnt great but at least there was one. there were so many things he was spanking for that we couldn't even remember them all like I said in a previous post I almost feel I was acting out a bit which is why there were so many offenses against me.. I will not be doing that any time soon...

Will I be able to submit to him like I desperately want and need to? I think I did a fairly well job with it.

I take it back...

Well tonight was the night... I was spanked and it was not "easy" as I stated the last one being... My HOH informed me that he had been reading my blog. I didn't even know he knew what it was called but he pulled it up on his computer and it is one of his saved bookmarks... I guess he has been reading it daily to see what I post and he didn't much care for my comment about his last discipline being easy on me... and trust me he let me know... I was also being punished for a few other offenses and today was the first day we got the chance to take care of everything. I lost count of how many swats I received after about number 5 all I could think about was the pain... As hard as I tried I did end up putting my hand back, I guess I put it back 3 times but I only really remember putting it back once. I also moved out of position a couple times but moved right back (according to the hoh I didnt move right back). I didn't realize it would be so hard to stay in perfect position.

My HOH also has a new bff... Mr. hairbrush. He states I cant spank you with my hand because I work with my hands... So I guess for me it is the hairbrush or worse... hmmmm....

We talked a little bit about the discipline afterwards and I told him that I think it would help me if there was a break in between the lecture and the discipline such as a corner time or a timeout. 

I do have a few questions though on the learningdd blog page it says that for a beginners spanking you should use a hairbrush or your hand with about 20 swats with out bruising but my bottom is very bruised... I do bruise easily... Anyone have any advice?